Heart's Plea #1

I am in hot pursuit of Yahweh
I lean hard into Yahweh for only He
Can bring healing this hurt
And silence the cries of my heart
For it is bleeding
And it has been for such a long time
I long for wholeness like the thirsty deer pants for water
Deep seated loneliness has a way of disguising itself in
Hopes of not being discovered
Only to show up when the lights are off and everyone has gone
And this heart pain, can’t be medicated, driven away, ignored, or given away…
It must be dealt with…
Yeshua, I need you like I need air
I tire of the disguise and the pretending that the hurt is not there
Please Yeshua help me…
My life depends on You
Fill this void in me with your love and comfort and peace and strength and hope
Pull me out of this quicksand that is attempting to take my life
And squelch mere possibilities, opportunities for a pleasant reality
Yeshua, I need you, please heal me…

A Perception of Poetic Music

So when does it happen…Great Love,
Does it happen instantaneously when you first meet him
I really don’t know him like that to be feeling this way
you say
But suddenly your days are filled with visions and dreams
Of the possibility of you and he becoming a we
You two were like magnets constantly searching for your opposite pole…
And then it happened 

you tell me
All your questions and suspicious perceptions flew out the window
Because now you know, this must be him
I mean its got to be him 

you say
I’ve never felt this way
It’s 9:30 in the morning, He called to tell me good morning at 8:30
And already I am missing him terribly, can't wait to see him
Honestly, I just want him here with me, right here next to me
Not for sex

...well, at least not yet, but just so I can drink more of him, indefinitely
His intellect, his creativity, his sexiness, the way we make eye contact 

taste like
A tall glass of iced tea and lemonade mixed from Stephanies
I think I love him

you tell me

I...I...I think I love him 

you tell me
No really, I think I love him 

but wait...

I can’t love him, it’s too soon, I’m not
supposed to be feeling this way…
But..

But.....
But, I do.
I can’t even explain it, I just…
And she shakes her head in disbelief
Finally SHE

is speechless, the one who can find words out of thin air 

has a digital thesaurus as thick as her hair 

finds it difficult to explain herself
left dumbfounded, no longer bound by words, but has 

graduated into the freedom of silent expression
Where mere words do her feelings no justice
The pat of his hand on her back or a wink of his 

natural amber contact 

sends her completely spinning
And just like that...It has happened...

They are like magnets who have found their attraction...

Okay, so it's been such a long time since I've written anything.  On my last post I had sort of talked about the beginning of process.  So from then until now, that's my been my story, PROCESS.  Actually, it's been my hiding place, a excuse all in itself.  Why are you not where you ought to be...Process.  Why haven't you done this or that...Process.  Why, why, why?  This has been probably been the hardest year to date.  I began school in October of last year and by January was out with no intentions of returning in the near future.  Why?...Process.  At least I know that now.  Then, I was in a tailspin of anger, hurt, frustration, sadness, and depression.    

A foreigner in my own mind, a slave to thoughts of my past

I'm entering this treacherous trail

tattered, tired, and spent

ready to pass through to the other side

anger and rage telling me one thing,

and the shred of Holy Spirit that I have left

telling me another

Why do people lie, why don't they just tell the truth

Oh I wish I had the power

to extinquish the fires of my past and move forward

I do realize I can do nothing on my own

not even discern the intentions of my friends heart

and it hurts

It hurts when I can't talk to those I love most

about my woes

no one wants to cry with me, but rather they preach at me

as though, I am their wayward teenager

I miss life, I miss living

why can't things be the way they use to be,

but that wasn't really working either

I must go higher is what I'd tell myself, and this is higher

when does reality set in, I need my Friend
He will never leave me or forsake me, right

but how come I feel so lonely,

a stranger even in my homeland

I am searching for Your hand, hold me again

"How do you feel", they ask

and I think, "What do they want me to say?"

"Blessed and Highly Favored..." or some other churchy cliche

it feels like lies

sweet nothings reserved for religious people

Instead I ask, "can I be honest with you...

I am feeling kinda down

and instead of a fake cheese

can I show you my frown

but only if you promise not to shove your churchiness down my throat

as if I have been sleeping around, and hell is my home

for the record, I know Jesus too

If I show you my wounds

will you promise not to judge me or cast your opinions on me

like you know all things

The Process

It's been such a long time since I written anything. I'm not quite sure how to describe where I am, I just know God has me, and I truly thank Him for His grace.

My Question

What am I supposed to do
now that I am older and realize
that I have a deformity that
could have been avoided
shorted by you simply
being the man you should be.
They say the woman gets her
identity, her sense of security
from her father
but instead, I am faced
with the reality of not knowing
who I really am...
struggling to recover that which was lost
and it's hard,
basing your identity on how you appear
building your self esteem on how perfect
others perceive you to be
I just want to be me
and it be ok
and not crashing after every mistake
thinking that this may be the day
that they all walk away...

What I am supposed to do now
years later, still fighting the past
wondering how long this episode will last
digging myself out of a dark hole
because of dark happenings yet to unfold
family secrets left untold
growing more and more tired
trying to be bold
wanting to fly high
but stuck in a mold
holding me like prisoner
as if I am the killer...

I just want to be free from this jail
this hell -ish
realm,
constantly coasting from
death to life
good to bad
dark to light
happy to so so sad
drowning in tears, glued to my bed
struggling to believe and live out
what God said,
What am I supposed to do now
is the question that resounds in my head...

You

I think of you often, of what you look like,
what you smell like, if your demples are shallow or deep,
will I get butterflies, when I see you
or completely taken by your smile,
will I weep at the thought of how God
could have blessed me with such a man
after His own heart
will I know from the start
that you are he
whom He made just for me
the one, the son
by which my kids will be born
I long to see you, to feel you,
to talk to you, to walk with you
to laugh with you, crack with you
Oh, I can't wait to meet you...
until then, I will continue to pray for you
and keep the promise of you close...
to be continued
I love you.

Daddy's Girl

Daddy, I am crying out to you
will you dry my tears,
Daddy, I had a bad dream
will you take away my fears
Daddy, I scraped my knee
will you kiss it and make it better, please
Daddy, can I have some of your water
I am thirsty
Daddy, can you stay with me
I can't sleep
Daddy, I want to see you
Yes baby girl
I hear you, and I am right here...
Daddy, these tests and trials are getting harder
You can do it, just a little farther
Daddy, I am falling
I've got you, hold on tight,
Wrap your arms around my neck and I will carry you
Daddy, it seems like no one likes me
Baby girl, I am shielding you from relationships not
orchestrated by me
Daddy, this life is hard
Yes, but the reward is grand, take my hand
in Me is your promised land
Rest in me, my daughter...
Daddy, I love you
I love you too my baby girl.

WOW

I went to a wedding today and cried like never before. I watched as my Pastor cried uncontrolably at times as he held his daughter's hand and walked her down the aisle. To him, the aisle probably seemed like the walk of his life. For me it was something I will never ever forget in life. My pastor can sometimes seem so strong, so hard, and to see him today so vulnerable...so human...it was like nothing I had ever witnessed. The words "Steel Magnolias" come to mind. It's such a big deal when a man cries. I was imagining what he must have felt. Here's his little girl, this life that he helped make, he raised, he taught. He spoke of priceless memories and how she would wrap her arms around his neck. To her, he was her hero, and to him she was a the apple, the diamond, the pupil of his eye, and today he is no longer the man of her world...wow. I remember him telling the story when she was sick, and he just walked from room to room and prayed over her, and to see her today, dressed and white to be given away...wow. I could tell by his unspoken uneasiness over the last couple of days that he was starting to feel the shock, but to see him today...wow, it was amazing. Wow, I wonder how God felt when he gave His son for us. I am forever touched!

One Thursday

In a trance, I sit and stare into space
longing for your touch
still feeling the warmth of your sweet embrace
left over from Thursday
So underserving
but yet you breathed on us
changed us
kissed us
renamed us.
I can still feel you
as if it was yester minute
Your presence...
I am ever desperate for it.
In you I live, I move, I breathe
I hear, I speak, I sing
I stand in awe of your very being.
What is living if it is not in you
What is life worth without knowing you
Intimacy with you is indescribable
incomparable with any other feeling
spine tingling even
I am speechless...
Humbly seeking your face
desperately needing your grace
slowing my anxious pace
effortly trying not to waste
any more days
running a race
that you are have not called me to run.
You have heightened my sensitivity
challenged my mediocrity
confirmed my peculiarity
Thank You for that Thursday
the tenth day, the month of May.