A foreigner in my own mind, a slave to thoughts of my past

I'm entering this treacherous trail

tattered, tired, and spent

ready to pass through to the other side

anger and rage telling me one thing,

and the shred of Holy Spirit that I have left

telling me another

Why do people lie, why don't they just tell the truth

Oh I wish I had the power

to extinquish the fires of my past and move forward

I do realize I can do nothing on my own

not even discern the intentions of my friends heart

and it hurts

It hurts when I can't talk to those I love most

about my woes

no one wants to cry with me, but rather they preach at me

as though, I am their wayward teenager

I miss life, I miss living

why can't things be the way they use to be,

but that wasn't really working either

I must go higher is what I'd tell myself, and this is higher

when does reality set in, I need my Friend
He will never leave me or forsake me, right

but how come I feel so lonely,

a stranger even in my homeland

I am searching for Your hand, hold me again

"How do you feel", they ask

and I think, "What do they want me to say?"

"Blessed and Highly Favored..." or some other churchy cliche

it feels like lies

sweet nothings reserved for religious people

Instead I ask, "can I be honest with you...

I am feeling kinda down

and instead of a fake cheese

can I show you my frown

but only if you promise not to shove your churchiness down my throat

as if I have been sleeping around, and hell is my home

for the record, I know Jesus too

If I show you my wounds

will you promise not to judge me or cast your opinions on me

like you know all things

The Process

It's been such a long time since I written anything. I'm not quite sure how to describe where I am, I just know God has me, and I truly thank Him for His grace.

My Question

What am I supposed to do
now that I am older and realize
that I have a deformity that
could have been avoided
shorted by you simply
being the man you should be.
They say the woman gets her
identity, her sense of security
from her father
but instead, I am faced
with the reality of not knowing
who I really am...
struggling to recover that which was lost
and it's hard,
basing your identity on how you appear
building your self esteem on how perfect
others perceive you to be
I just want to be me
and it be ok
and not crashing after every mistake
thinking that this may be the day
that they all walk away...

What I am supposed to do now
years later, still fighting the past
wondering how long this episode will last
digging myself out of a dark hole
because of dark happenings yet to unfold
family secrets left untold
growing more and more tired
trying to be bold
wanting to fly high
but stuck in a mold
holding me like prisoner
as if I am the killer...

I just want to be free from this jail
this hell -ish
realm,
constantly coasting from
death to life
good to bad
dark to light
happy to so so sad
drowning in tears, glued to my bed
struggling to believe and live out
what God said,
What am I supposed to do now
is the question that resounds in my head...

You

I think of you often, of what you look like,
what you smell like, if your demples are shallow or deep,
will I get butterflies, when I see you
or completely taken by your smile,
will I weep at the thought of how God
could have blessed me with such a man
after His own heart
will I know from the start
that you are he
whom He made just for me
the one, the son
by which my kids will be born
I long to see you, to feel you,
to talk to you, to walk with you
to laugh with you, crack with you
Oh, I can't wait to meet you...
until then, I will continue to pray for you
and keep the promise of you close...
to be continued
I love you.

Daddy's Girl

Daddy, I am crying out to you
will you dry my tears,
Daddy, I had a bad dream
will you take away my fears
Daddy, I scraped my knee
will you kiss it and make it better, please
Daddy, can I have some of your water
I am thirsty
Daddy, can you stay with me
I can't sleep
Daddy, I want to see you
Yes baby girl
I hear you, and I am right here...
Daddy, these tests and trials are getting harder
You can do it, just a little farther
Daddy, I am falling
I've got you, hold on tight,
Wrap your arms around my neck and I will carry you
Daddy, it seems like no one likes me
Baby girl, I am shielding you from relationships not
orchestrated by me
Daddy, this life is hard
Yes, but the reward is grand, take my hand
in Me is your promised land
Rest in me, my daughter...
Daddy, I love you
I love you too my baby girl.

WOW

I went to a wedding today and cried like never before. I watched as my Pastor cried uncontrolably at times as he held his daughter's hand and walked her down the aisle. To him, the aisle probably seemed like the walk of his life. For me it was something I will never ever forget in life. My pastor can sometimes seem so strong, so hard, and to see him today so vulnerable...so human...it was like nothing I had ever witnessed. The words "Steel Magnolias" come to mind. It's such a big deal when a man cries. I was imagining what he must have felt. Here's his little girl, this life that he helped make, he raised, he taught. He spoke of priceless memories and how she would wrap her arms around his neck. To her, he was her hero, and to him she was a the apple, the diamond, the pupil of his eye, and today he is no longer the man of her world...wow. I remember him telling the story when she was sick, and he just walked from room to room and prayed over her, and to see her today, dressed and white to be given away...wow. I could tell by his unspoken uneasiness over the last couple of days that he was starting to feel the shock, but to see him today...wow, it was amazing. Wow, I wonder how God felt when he gave His son for us. I am forever touched!

One Thursday

In a trance, I sit and stare into space
longing for your touch
still feeling the warmth of your sweet embrace
left over from Thursday
So underserving
but yet you breathed on us
changed us
kissed us
renamed us.
I can still feel you
as if it was yester minute
Your presence...
I am ever desperate for it.
In you I live, I move, I breathe
I hear, I speak, I sing
I stand in awe of your very being.
What is living if it is not in you
What is life worth without knowing you
Intimacy with you is indescribable
incomparable with any other feeling
spine tingling even
I am speechless...
Humbly seeking your face
desperately needing your grace
slowing my anxious pace
effortly trying not to waste
any more days
running a race
that you are have not called me to run.
You have heightened my sensitivity
challenged my mediocrity
confirmed my peculiarity
Thank You for that Thursday
the tenth day, the month of May.

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God will sometimes put people in your life to challenge you in action, word and thought. These people are more than mere friends...more like coaches, that won't allow you to stay in a comfortable place. God gave me this poem for an event called "Let the Women Speak" presented by CTS productions. So here goes...

Deep seated self hatred
made common by time
giving up on life
wanting never to rewind
the day of your birth
letting low self esteem
poison your worth
wanting desperately to depart this earth
unable to stomach the continual hurt
of not being the woman
you think you should be.

You take matters into your hands
starving to lose one more pound
sticking two fingers down your throat
hoping not make a sound
struggling to conform to a
mold shaped by man
that was never God's plan.

Misjudging your beauty
allowing men to affirm your identity
smaller women to confirm your inadequacy
you construct a prison called insecurity
hiding your bruises and scrapes
allowing rejection to have her perfect way
ever hearing God say you are beautifully
and wonderfully made
but never believing, never receiving
what He said.

See, I know very well your pain
all about the inner strain
that seems to bind you,
seems to blind you...
listening to the lies the enemy tells you
being called everything but your name
thinking that they are one in the same.

But, I've come to show you the way out
realize you were created for a purpose
with a purpose
and on purpose
you are not a mistake.

So what if you have a 2 in front of your size
instead of a 1
you are simply double the prize
for some lucky woman's son
second to none.

Live life happy and free
passionately
becoming the jewel that you
are destined to be.
For you a woman, beautifully
a beautiful woman
you are to me.


Thanks Tiffany for pushing me to do things that are seemingly "not me" but somehow "are"....
Con amor siempre.