My Question

What am I supposed to do
now that I am older and realize
that I have a deformity that
could have been avoided
shorted by you simply
being the man you should be.
They say the woman gets her
identity, her sense of security
from her father
but instead, I am faced
with the reality of not knowing
who I really am...
struggling to recover that which was lost
and it's hard,
basing your identity on how you appear
building your self esteem on how perfect
others perceive you to be
I just want to be me
and it be ok
and not crashing after every mistake
thinking that this may be the day
that they all walk away...

What I am supposed to do now
years later, still fighting the past
wondering how long this episode will last
digging myself out of a dark hole
because of dark happenings yet to unfold
family secrets left untold
growing more and more tired
trying to be bold
wanting to fly high
but stuck in a mold
holding me like prisoner
as if I am the killer...

I just want to be free from this jail
this hell -ish
realm,
constantly coasting from
death to life
good to bad
dark to light
happy to so so sad
drowning in tears, glued to my bed
struggling to believe and live out
what God said,
What am I supposed to do now
is the question that resounds in my head...