31 years of age,
and my stage
play
is just beginning
At this juncture
the wounds and punctures
have finally began to heal
thrilled,
ecstatic
anxiously excited,
not sure of what I'm walking into
but no longer hiding,
behind bad wiring
or spiraling out of sheer fear.
He's healing my soul gently
intently, making sure
this time its done right
correcting my vision, sharpening my sight
this is my story, this is my song
of how He's remaking me...
Monday, November 24, 2014
The Tangled Web (4.21.14)
The tangled web we weave
is tangled indeed with life's
tendency
to throw curve balls
making us depend on paper walls
that fall from the smallest huff and blow
by the big bad wolf
who's only big and bad
because we've traded our allegiance to someone greater
for his trash
and it's sad because we know better
I mean, we
really
know better
but our knower gets blinded
and our track gets sided
by red hot desire...
see, that fire has lied
the blaze, while temptingly beautiful
is not your prize
but a deep
dark
hole
disguised
as a promised land
and we give our hand to it
time and time
again
hoping that this "marriage" will work
hoping that our worth
will be an even trade...
and again I say
we know better.
But damn this web is tangled
and real talk
our hearts are mangled
dangling
from a thread
hanging on to hope
that we picked up from
some dilapidated shed
unreal
but real in our head...
The Journey (2.13.14)
Walking into Phase One
Completely undone
Had no script, no idea
Of the things to come
Naked and full of shame
But yet still surrendering to
The Name above every name…
This wasn’t like the last time
When my emotions were high,
Sure I shook and cried
But underneath still believing the lie
That had become my truth
Never really dealing with the pain of my youth
I buried me
Under a pile of insecurity
Outwardly free
But inwardly
A mess
A mammoth ball of stress
Wanting so badly to confess my sin
But afraid to lose my friends
Will I ever be loved again…
Will I ever love me again…
I started with a letter to little me
little Ashley
And sure enough
she hated me
I mean….
Why shouldn’t she
I left her for bright, sunny hills
Determined never to feel
Pain again, Shame again
Leaving her with the blame
And me
Inevitably shacking up with
Self hatred
But
This time was different…
of people
who I had to impress
constantly saying, “I’m highly favored and blessed”
but mentally repeating, “I’m highly labored and stressed”
tirelessly searching for my treasure chest
with.
No.
map.
I kept knocking on her door and she finally let me in
And for the first time in a long time
We became friends
And when the hard moments arrived
We walked together in perfect stride
Embracing truth
Letting go of the lies…
Embracing truth
Letting go of the knives…
Embracing truth
Letting go of suicide…
Phase 2,
I’m ready I think
I’ve got it all figured out
I, I, I, flying out of my mouth
But in the wilderness it’s Him, Him, Him
And I began to learn and understand what self-life
Was all about
Sure Track B was my MO
But Track A gave me Ammo
To live life, really live life
Without strife
To be who Father sees me as
To live the life my
Covenant Representative
Paid for me to have
Abundantly
Free of worry about tomorrow
Learning to trust in time of sorrow
His Love is freely given
So no need to borrow
It
as if it’s returnable
He chose me
Title deed signed and sealed
Now on to Phase 3…
Milk and honey I see
Who knew I could literally
Be this free
Living in a land promised to me
Before the foundation of the world
Dreaming again
without fear of the enemy
Dreaming again
without fear of the inner me
New wine
In a
New mind
Transformed and
Realigned
I can see clearly
Now the blinding rain
Is gone
And with one foot in front
Of the other
My journey continues on…
. : Not Another 5 Minutes…: . (10.10.14)
I wrote this one night at around 2 o'clock in the morning. Words were just dropping in my heart like raindrops. Even though the person I wrote this to didn't feel the same way about me, I. Loved. Him. It's interesting to me how the mind works when it comes to grief, love, fear, and other emotions. Some sing, some paint, me...I write. So this is to my love...I miss the thought of you...
5 minutes equals
300 seconds of time
that have been replaying
in my mind
for the past 48 hours
powers
that I didn't know existed
places that we've never visited
became reality
and time
though ticking
stood perfectly still
See your mind went to sex
While my mind vividly remembered
The secs
Hours, days, months from the beginning
Opening scene of this movie
Flashbacks of workouts and long walks
mindFULL texting and deeply personal talks
that’s what got us here
not the wine
or the lateness of the time
but the culmination of this building tension for a while
hidden
behind coded conversation and silent smiles
quick glances and “dances,”
like my personal self defense class one summer night
LOL
Thanks Love, I can now protect myself from angry foes
But locked in your embrace
A welcomed visitor in your personal space
My angry foe was time
But at some point we had to go back to reality
Quick
Before our cover is blown
And really shown
For what it is…
And we've done this dance before
It’s almost like I get too close
And you shut the door
Careful not to let me think for
One minute
Anything different than what
Meticulously comes across your lips
But I’ll skip to the next part
so I don’t waste my 5 minutes
During the playback of our 300 seconds
You said the words, “I like you”
And honestly
I didn't know those were words
From a real, but exhausted version of you
Or an attempt to remove on more layer of
My composure I was so desperately trying to hang on to…
For the record…I like you too…
And not because of the kissing
But genuinely missing you
When you’re away
The level of compassion, when I’m hurting
That you thoughtfully display
You approach my waves of anxiety with calmer seas
You meet my quirkiness with winks and cheese
You let me be me…
You challenge me to train harder
Think smarter
Go farther
When something goes good, you celebrate me
And when you something
Goes bad
You go to bat for me
That, love is sexy
Sorry, that may be too much
And I’m trying to hurry because
These 300 seconds are almost up
And before this is done and then sun reemerges
I got one more thing to say…
Those 5 minutes of “what if”
Was both beautiful and agonizing
Mind-blowing, but realizing
This innocence is not for me to give away
But gifted someday to one made for me
And what if that “he” Is you…
If that’s the case, then 5 minutes, 300 seconds
Will most certainly not do
If that’s the case
Then I dare not tease you
Or make things blue
By my choosing to exit stage left
When my body is leading you right
Down
A
Path
To a “closed for now” gate
Sorry if I frustrated you
And caused you angst
I guess after reading your lips for so long
The suspense of how they might taste
Was killing me…
The wanting to be held by you
Was overwhelming,...
And the idea of waking up next to you
Almost got to me...
TIME: my 300 second alarm has just beeped.
5 minutes equals
300 seconds of time
that have been replaying
in my mind
for the past 48 hours
powers
that I didn't know existed
places that we've never visited
became reality
and time
though ticking
stood perfectly still
See your mind went to sex
While my mind vividly remembered
The secs
Hours, days, months from the beginning
Opening scene of this movie
Flashbacks of workouts and long walks
mindFULL texting and deeply personal talks
that’s what got us here
not the wine
or the lateness of the time
but the culmination of this building tension for a while
hidden
behind coded conversation and silent smiles
quick glances and “dances,”
like my personal self defense class one summer night
LOL
Thanks Love, I can now protect myself from angry foes
But locked in your embrace
A welcomed visitor in your personal space
My angry foe was time
But at some point we had to go back to reality
Quick
Before our cover is blown
And really shown
For what it is…
And we've done this dance before
It’s almost like I get too close
And you shut the door
Careful not to let me think for
One minute
Anything different than what
Meticulously comes across your lips
But I’ll skip to the next part
so I don’t waste my 5 minutes
During the playback of our 300 seconds
You said the words, “I like you”
And honestly
I didn't know those were words
From a real, but exhausted version of you
Or an attempt to remove on more layer of
My composure I was so desperately trying to hang on to…
For the record…I like you too…
And not because of the kissing
But genuinely missing you
When you’re away
The level of compassion, when I’m hurting
That you thoughtfully display
You approach my waves of anxiety with calmer seas
You meet my quirkiness with winks and cheese
You let me be me…
You challenge me to train harder
Think smarter
Go farther
When something goes good, you celebrate me
And when you something
Goes bad
You go to bat for me
That, love is sexy
Sorry, that may be too much
And I’m trying to hurry because
These 300 seconds are almost up
And before this is done and then sun reemerges
I got one more thing to say…
Those 5 minutes of “what if”
Was both beautiful and agonizing
Mind-blowing, but realizing
This innocence is not for me to give away
But gifted someday to one made for me
And what if that “he” Is you…
If that’s the case, then 5 minutes, 300 seconds
Will most certainly not do
If that’s the case
Then I dare not tease you
Or make things blue
By my choosing to exit stage left
When my body is leading you right
Down
A
Path
To a “closed for now” gate
Sorry if I frustrated you
And caused you angst
I guess after reading your lips for so long
The suspense of how they might taste
Was killing me…
The wanting to be held by you
Was overwhelming,...
And the idea of waking up next to you
Almost got to me...
TIME: my 300 second alarm has just beeped.
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