Agony...

you're the first person I think about when I wake up
the last person I pray for before I go to bed
you're always in my head
you make me crazy…

and it's crazy how I think about the possibility of us
more than fight the reality of us
there is no you and I
but my mind is in constant conversation
over why not…

why can't I reach out and touch you
kiss you, hug you
when I want

why can't I call you and ask how was your day
in tune and listening, really listening
to the moments you replay
waiting to say
how proud I am,
waiting to say
how in love I am,
waiting to say
how sure I am
that the next day will be better

why can't I lay next to you
with my head on your chest
thanking God for your every breath
thanking God that you've never left

being away from you feels like death...

I mean really…
what is this thing with you
that I can't seem to shake
can't seem to break
I mean its 4am and I'm awake
October 8…
the day
my walls came down
and I've been unable to rebuild
or rebound
subconsciously counting down
to our next encounter
if there's another
if this continues further
if this grows stronger…

by now, one would think
this dance would be old
and our souls off to what lies next
but instead
I send you naughty texts
but then delete them
think of ways to tease
but don't act on them
dress in boots and a trench to greet you
but never leave in them…

i make love to you in my mind
over and over, all the time
you're like a fine, sweet wine
that though I've never tasted
has the makings of something divine
careful not to waste it
every drop of you is beautiful sunshine

this is agony...

Words...(10.9.2011)

31 years of age,
and my stage
play
is just beginning

At this juncture
the wounds and punctures
have finally began to heal
thrilled,
ecstatic
anxiously excited,
not sure of what I'm walking into
but no longer hiding,
behind bad wiring
or spiraling out of sheer fear.

He's healing my soul gently
intently, making sure
this time its done right
correcting my vision, sharpening my sight
this is my story, this is my song
of how He's remaking me...

The Tangled Web (4.21.14)

The tangled web we weave

is tangled indeed with life's

tendency

to throw curve balls

making us depend on paper walls

that fall from the smallest huff and blow

by the big bad wolf

who's only big and bad

because we've traded our allegiance to someone greater

for his trash

and it's sad because we know better

I mean, we

really

 know better

but our knower gets blinded 

and our track gets sided

by red hot desire...

see, that fire has lied

the blaze, while temptingly beautiful

is not your prize

but a deep

dark

hole

disguised

 as a promised land

and we give our hand to it

time and time

again

hoping that this "marriage" will work

hoping that our worth

will be an even trade...

and again I say

we know better.

But damn this web is tangled

and real talk

our hearts are mangled

dangling

from a thread

hanging on to hope

that we picked up from

some dilapidated shed

unreal

but real in our head...

The Journey (2.13.14)

Walking into Phase One

Completely undone

Had no script, no idea

Of the things to come

Naked and full of shame

But yet still surrendering to

The Name above every name…

This wasn’t like the last time

When my emotions were high,

Sure I shook and cried

But underneath still believing the lie

That had become my truth

Never really dealing with the pain of my youth

I buried me

Under a pile of insecurity

Outwardly free

But inwardly

A mess

A mammoth ball of stress

Wanting so badly to confess my sin

But afraid to lose my friends

Will I ever be loved again…

Will I ever love me again…

I started with a letter to little me

little Ashley

And sure enough

she hated me

I mean….

Why shouldn’t she

I left her for bright, sunny hills

Determined never to feel

Pain again, Shame again

Leaving her with the blame

And me

Inevitably shacking up with

Self hatred

But

This time was different…

See, I didn’t have all the religious interference

of people

who I had to impress

constantly saying, “I’m highly favored and blessed”

but mentally repeating, “I’m highly labored and stressed”

tirelessly searching for my treasure chest

with.

No.

map.

I kept knocking on her door and she finally let me in

And for the first time in a long time

We became friends

And when the hard moments arrived

We walked together in perfect stride

Embracing truth

Letting go of the lies…

Embracing truth

Letting go of the knives…

Embracing truth

Letting go of suicide…

Phase 2,

I’m ready I think

I’ve got it all figured out

I, I, I, flying out of my mouth

But in the wilderness it’s Him, Him, Him

And I began to learn and understand what self-life

Was all about

Sure Track B was my MO

But Track A gave me Ammo

To live life, really live life

Without strife

To be who Father sees me as

To live the life my

Covenant Representative

Paid for me to have

Abundantly

Free of worry about tomorrow

Learning to trust in time of sorrow

His Love is freely given

So no need to borrow

It

as if it’s returnable

He chose me

Title deed signed and sealed

Now on to Phase 3…

Milk and honey I see

Who knew I could literally

Be this free

Living in a land promised to me

Before the foundation of the world

Dreaming again

without fear of the enemy

Dreaming again

without fear of the inner me

New wine

In a

New mind

Transformed and

Realigned

I can see clearly

Now the blinding rain

Is gone

And with one foot in front

Of the other

My journey continues on…

. : Not Another 5 Minutes…: . (10.10.14)

I wrote this one night at around 2 o'clock in the morning. Words were just dropping in my heart like raindrops. Even though the person I wrote this to didn't feel the same way about me, I. Loved. Him. It's interesting to me how the mind works when it comes to grief, love, fear, and other emotions. Some sing, some paint, me...I write. So this is to my love...I miss the thought of you...

5 minutes equals
300 seconds of time
that have been replaying
in my mind
for the past 48 hours
powers
that I didn't know existed
places that we've never visited
became reality
and time
though ticking
stood perfectly still

See your mind went to sex
While my mind vividly remembered
The secs
Hours, days, months from the beginning
Opening scene of this movie
Flashbacks of workouts and long walks
mindFULL texting and deeply personal talks
that’s what got us here
not the wine
or the lateness of the time
but the culmination of this building tension for a while
hidden
behind coded conversation and silent smiles
quick glances and “dances,”
like my personal self defense class one summer night
LOL
Thanks Love, I can now protect myself from angry foes
But locked in your embrace
A welcomed visitor in your personal space
My angry foe was time
But at some point we had to go back to reality
Quick
Before our cover is blown
And really shown
For what it is…

And we've done this dance before
It’s almost like I get too close
And you shut the door
Careful not to let me think for
One minute
Anything different than what
Meticulously comes across your lips
But I’ll skip to the next part
so I don’t waste my 5 minutes

During the playback of our 300 seconds
You said the words, “I like you”
And honestly
I didn't know those were words
From a real, but exhausted version of you
Or an attempt to remove on more layer of
My composure I was so desperately trying to hang on to…
For the record…I like you too…
And not because of the kissing
But genuinely missing you
When you’re away
The level of compassion, when I’m hurting
That you thoughtfully display
You approach my waves of anxiety with calmer seas
You meet my quirkiness with winks and cheese
You let me be me…
You challenge me to train harder
Think smarter
Go farther
When something goes good, you celebrate me
And when you something
Goes bad
You go to bat for me
That, love is sexy
Sorry, that may be too much
And I’m trying to hurry because
These 300 seconds are almost up
And before this is done and then sun reemerges
I got one more thing to say…


Those 5 minutes of “what if”
Was both beautiful and agonizing
Mind-blowing, but realizing
This innocence is not for me to give away
But gifted someday to one made for me
And what if that “he” Is you…
If that’s the case, then 5 minutes, 300 seconds
Will most certainly not do
If that’s the case
Then I dare not tease you
Or make things blue
By my choosing to exit stage left
When my body is leading you right
Down
A
Path
To a “closed for now” gate
Sorry if I frustrated you
And caused you angst
I guess after reading your lips for so long
The suspense of how they might taste
Was killing me…
The wanting to be held by you
Was overwhelming,...
And the idea of waking up next to you
Almost got to me...

TIME: my 300 second alarm has just beeped.

Heart's Plea #1

I am in hot pursuit of Yahweh
I lean hard into Yahweh for only He
Can bring healing to this hurt
And silence the cries of my heart
For it is bleeding
And it has been for such a long time
I long for wholeness like the thirsty deer pants for water
Deep seated loneliness has a way of disguising itself in
Hopes of not being discovered
Only to show up when the lights are off and everyone has gone
And this heart pain, can’t be medicated, driven away, ignored, or given away…
It must be dealt with…
Yeshua, I need you like I need air
I tire of the disguise and the pretending that the hurt is not there
Please Yeshua help me…
My life depends on You
Fill this void in me with your love and comfort and peace and strength and hope
Pull me out of this quicksand that is attempting to take my life
And squelch mere possibilities, opportunities for a pleasant reality
Yeshua, I need you, please heal me…

A Perception of Poetic Music

So when does it happen…Great Love,
Does it happen instantaneously when you first meet him
I really don’t know him like that to be feeling this way
you say
But suddenly your days are filled with visions and dreams
Of the possibility of you and he becoming a we
You two were like magnets constantly searching for your opposite pole…
And then it happened 

you tell me
All your questions and suspicious perceptions flew out the window
Because now you know, this must be him
I mean its got to be him 

you say
I’ve never felt this way
It’s 9:30 in the morning, He called to tell me good morning at 8:30
And already I am missing him terribly, can't wait to see him
Honestly, I just want him here with me, right here next to me
Not for sex

...well, at least not yet, but just so I can drink more of him, indefinitely
His intellect, his creativity, his sexiness, the way we make eye contact 

taste like
A tall glass of iced tea and lemonade mixed from Stephanies
I think I love him

you tell me

I...I...I think I love him 

you tell me
No really, I think I love him 

but wait...

I can’t love him, it’s too soon, I’m not
supposed to be feeling this way…
But..

But.....
But, I do.
I can’t even explain it, I just…
And she shakes her head in disbelief
Finally SHE

is speechless, the one who can find words out of thin air 

has a digital thesaurus as thick as her hair 

finds it difficult to explain herself
left dumbfounded, no longer bound by words, but has 

graduated into the freedom of silent expression
Where mere words do her feelings no justice
The pat of his hand on her back or a wink of his 

natural amber contact 

sends her completely spinning
And just like that...It has happened...

They are like magnets who have found their attraction...

Okay, so it's been such a long time since I've written anything.  On my last post I had sort of talked about the beginning of process.  So from then until now, that's my been my story, PROCESS.  Actually, it's been my hiding place, a excuse all in itself.  Why are you not where you ought to be...Process.  Why haven't you done this or that...Process.  Why, why, why?  This has been probably been the hardest year to date.  I began school in October of last year and by January was out with no intentions of returning in the near future.  Why?...Process.  At least I know that now.  Then, I was in a tailspin of anger, hurt, frustration, sadness, and depression.    

A foreigner in my own mind, a slave to thoughts of my past

I'm entering this treacherous trail

tattered, tired, and spent

ready to pass through to the other side

anger and rage telling me one thing,

and the shred of Holy Spirit that I have left

telling me another

Why do people lie, why don't they just tell the truth

Oh I wish I had the power

to extinquish the fires of my past and move forward

I do realize I can do nothing on my own

not even discern the intentions of my friends heart

and it hurts

It hurts when I can't talk to those I love most

about my woes

no one wants to cry with me, but rather they preach at me

as though, I am their wayward teenager

I miss life, I miss living

why can't things be the way they use to be,

but that wasn't really working either

I must go higher is what I'd tell myself, and this is higher

when does reality set in, I need my Friend
He will never leave me or forsake me, right

but how come I feel so lonely,

a stranger even in my homeland

I am searching for Your hand, hold me again

"How do you feel", they ask

and I think, "What do they want me to say?"

"Blessed and Highly Favored..." or some other churchy cliche

it feels like lies

sweet nothings reserved for religious people

Instead I ask, "can I be honest with you...

I am feeling kinda down

and instead of a fake cheese

can I show you my frown

but only if you promise not to shove your churchiness down my throat

as if I have been sleeping around, and hell is my home

for the record, I know Jesus too

If I show you my wounds

will you promise not to judge me or cast your opinions on me

like you know all things

The Process

It's been such a long time since I written anything. I'm not quite sure how to describe where I am, I just know God has me, and I truly thank Him for His grace.

My Question

What am I supposed to do
now that I am older and realize
that I have a deformity that
could have been avoided
shorted by you simply
being the man you should be.
They say the woman gets her
identity, her sense of security
from her father
but instead, I am faced
with the reality of not knowing
who I really am...
struggling to recover that which was lost
and it's hard,
basing your identity on how you appear
building your self esteem on how perfect
others perceive you to be
I just want to be me
and it be ok
and not crashing after every mistake
thinking that this may be the day
that they all walk away...

What I am supposed to do now
years later, still fighting the past
wondering how long this episode will last
digging myself out of a dark hole
because of dark happenings yet to unfold
family secrets left untold
growing more and more tired
trying to be bold
wanting to fly high
but stuck in a mold
holding me like prisoner
as if I am the killer...

I just want to be free from this jail
this hell -ish
realm,
constantly coasting from
death to life
good to bad
dark to light
happy to so so sad
drowning in tears, glued to my bed
struggling to believe and live out
what God said,
What am I supposed to do now
is the question that resounds in my head...