Adani Expressions

Heart's Plea #1

2009-01-07T07:03:00.000-08:00

I am in hot pursuit of Yahweh
I lean hard into Yahweh for only He
Can bring healing this hurt
And silence the cries of my heart
For it is bleeding
And it has been for such a long time
I long for wholeness like the thirsty deer pants for water
Deep seated loneliness has a way of disguising itself in
Hopes of not being discovered
Only to show up when the lights are off and everyone has gone
And this heart pain, can’t be medicated, driven away, ignored, or given away…
It must be dealt with…
Yeshua, I need you like I need air
I tire of the disguise and the pretending that the hurt is not there
Please Yeshua help me…
My life depends on You
Fill this void in me with your love and comfort and peace and strength and hope
Pull me out of this quicksand that is attempting to take my life
And squelch mere possibilities, opportunities for a pleasant reality
Yeshua, I need you, please heal me…

A Perception of Poetic Music

2008-12-13T08:16:00.000-08:00

So when does it happen…Great Love,
Does it happen instantaneously when you first meet him
I really don’t know him like that to be feeling this way
you say
But suddenly your days are filled with visions and dreams
Of the possibility of you and he becoming a we
You two were like magnets constantly searching for your opposite pole…
And then it happened

you tell me
All your questions and suspicious perceptions flew out the window
Because now you know, this must be him
I mean its got to be him

you say
I’ve never felt this way
It’s 9:30 in the morning, He called to tell me good morning at 8:30
And already I am missing him terribly, can't wait to see him
Honestly, I just want him here with me, right here next to me
Not for sex

...well, at least not yet, but just so I can drink more of him, indefinitely
His intellect, his creativity, his sexiness, the way we make eye contact

taste like
A tall glass of iced tea and lemonade mixed from Stephanies
I think I love him

you tell me

I...I...I think I love him

you tell me
No really, I think I love him

but wait...

I can’t love him, it’s too soon, I’m not
supposed to be feeling this way…
But..

But.....
But, I do.
I can’t even explain it, I just…
And she shakes her head in disbelief
Finally SHE

is speechless, the one who can find words out of thin air

has a digital thesaurus as thick as her hair

finds it difficult to explain herself
left dumbfounded, no longer bound by words, but has

graduated into the freedom of silent expression
Where mere words do her feelings no justice
The pat of his hand on her back or a wink of his

natural amber contact

sends her completely spinning
And just like that...It has happened...

They are like magnets who have found their attraction...

2008-09-06T22:27:00.001-07:00

Okay, so it's been such a long time since I've written anything. On my last post I had sort of talked about the beginning of process. So from then until now, that's my been my story, PROCESS. Actually, it's been my hiding place, a excuse all in itself. Why are you not where you ought to be...Process. Why haven't you done this or that...Process. Why, why, why? This has been probably been the hardest year to date. I began school in October of last year and by January was out with no intentions of returning in the near future. Why?...Process. At least I know that now. Then, I was in a tailspin of anger, hurt, frustration, sadness, and depression.

2007-11-30T06:59:00.001-08:00

A foreigner in my own mind, a slave to thoughts of my past

I'm entering this treacherous trail

tattered, tired, and spent

ready to pass through to the other side

anger and rage telling me one thing,

and the shred of Holy Spirit that I have left

telling me another

Why do people lie, why don't they just tell the truth

Oh I wish I had the power

to extinquish the fires of my past and move forward

I do realize I can do nothing on my own

not even discern the intentions of my friends heart

and it hurts

It hurts when I can't talk to those I love most

about my woes

no one wants to cry with me, but rather they preach at me

as though, I am their wayward teenager

I miss life, I miss living

why can't things be the way they use to be,

but that wasn't really working either

I must go higher is what I'd tell myself, and this is higher

when does reality set in, I need my Friend
He will never leave me or forsake me, right

but how come I feel so lonely,

a stranger even in my homeland

I am searching for Your hand, hold me again

"How do you feel", they ask

and I think, "What do they want me to say?"

"Blessed and Highly Favored..." or some other churchy cliche

it feels like lies

sweet nothings reserved for religious people

Instead I ask, "can I be honest with you...

I am feeling kinda down

and instead of a fake cheese

can I show you my frown

but only if you promise not to shove your churchiness down my throat

as if I have been sleeping around, and hell is my home

for the record, I know Jesus too

If I show you my wounds

will you promise not to judge me or cast your opinions on me

like you know all things

The Process

2007-11-30T06:39:00.000-08:00

It's been such a long time since I written anything. I'm not quite sure how to describe where I am, I just know God has me, and I truly thank Him for His grace.

My Question

2007-05-30T20:44:00.000-07:00

What am I supposed to do
now that I am older and realize
that I have a deformity that
could have been avoided
shorted by you simply
being the man you should be.
They say the woman gets her
identity, her sense of security
from her father
but instead, I am faced
with the reality of not knowing
who I really am...
struggling to recover that which was lost
and it's hard,
basing your identity on how you appear
building your self esteem on how perfect
others perceive you to be
I just want to be me
and it be ok
and not crashing after every mistake
thinking that this may be the day
that they all walk away...

What I am supposed to do now
years later, still fighting the past
wondering how long this episode will last
digging myself out of a dark hole
because of dark happenings yet to unfold
family secrets left untold
growing more and more tired
trying to be bold
wanting to fly high
but stuck in a mold
holding me like prisoner
as if I am the killer...

I just want to be free from this jail
this hell -ish
realm,
constantly coasting from
death to life
good to bad
dark to light
happy to so so sad
drowning in tears, glued to my bed
struggling to believe and live out
what God said,
What am I supposed to do now
is the question that resounds in my head...

You

2007-05-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

I think of you often, of what you look like,
what you smell like, if your demples are shallow or deep,
will I get butterflies, when I see you
or completely taken by your smile,
will I weep at the thought of how God
could have blessed me with such a man
after His own heart
will I know from the start
that you are he
whom He made just for me
the one, the son
by which my kids will be born
I long to see you, to feel you,
to talk to you, to walk with you
to laugh with you, crack with you
Oh, I can't wait to meet you...
until then, I will continue to pray for you
and keep the promise of you close...
to be continued
I love you.

Daddy's Girl

2007-05-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

Daddy, I am crying out to you
will you dry my tears,
Daddy, I had a bad dream
will you take away my fears
Daddy, I scraped my knee
will you kiss it and make it better, please
Daddy, can I have some of your water
I am thirsty
Daddy, can you stay with me
I can't sleep
Daddy, I want to see you
Yes baby girl
I hear you, and I am right here...
Daddy, these tests and trials are getting harder
You can do it, just a little farther
Daddy, I am falling
I've got you, hold on tight,
Wrap your arms around my neck and I will carry you
Daddy, it seems like no one likes me
Baby girl, I am shielding you from relationships not
orchestrated by me
Daddy, this life is hard
Yes, but the reward is grand, take my hand
in Me is your promised land
Rest in me, my daughter...
Daddy, I love you
I love you too my baby girl.

WOW

2007-05-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

I went to a wedding today and cried like never before. I watched as my Pastor cried uncontrolably at times as he held his daughter's hand and walked her down the aisle. To him, the aisle probably seemed like the walk of his life. For me it was something I will never ever forget in life. My pastor can sometimes seem so strong, so hard, and to see him today so vulnerable...so human...it was like nothing I had ever witnessed. The words "Steel Magnolias" come to mind. It's such a big deal when a man cries. I was imagining what he must have felt. Here's his little girl, this life that he helped make, he raised, he taught. He spoke of priceless memories and how she would wrap her arms around his neck. To her, he was her hero, and to him she was a the apple, the diamond, the pupil of his eye, and today he is no longer the man of her world...wow. I remember him telling the story when she was sick, and he just walked from room to room and prayed over her, and to see her today, dressed and white to be given away...wow. I could tell by his unspoken uneasiness over the last couple of days that he was starting to feel the shock, but to see him today...wow, it was amazing. Wow, I wonder how God felt when he gave His son for us. I am forever touched!

One Thursday

2007-05-11T19:01:00.001-07:00

In a trance, I sit and stare into space
longing for your touch
still feeling the warmth of your sweet embrace
left over from Thursday
So underserving
but yet you breathed on us
changed us
kissed us
renamed us.
I can still feel you
as if it was yester minute
Your presence...
I am ever desperate for it.
In you I live, I move, I breathe
I hear, I speak, I sing
I stand in awe of your very being.
What is living if it is not in you
What is life worth without knowing you
Intimacy with you is indescribable
incomparable with any other feeling
spine tingling even
I am speechless...
Humbly seeking your face
desperately needing your grace
slowing my anxious pace
effortly trying not to waste
any more days
running a race
that you are have not called me to run.
You have heightened my sensitivity
challenged my mediocrity
confirmed my peculiarity
Thank You for that Thursday
the tenth day, the month of May.

Untitled-1

2007-05-07T07:26:00.000-07:00

God will sometimes put people in your life to challenge you in action, word and thought. These people are more than mere friends...more like coaches, that won't allow you to stay in a comfortable place. God gave me this poem for an event called "Let the Women Speak" presented by CTS productions. So here goes...

Deep seated self hatred
made common by time
giving up on life
wanting never to rewind
the day of your birth
letting low self esteem
poison your worth
wanting desperately to depart this earth
unable to stomach the continual hurt
of not being the woman
you think you should be.

You take matters into your hands
starving to lose one more pound
sticking two fingers down your throat
hoping not make a sound
struggling to conform to a
mold shaped by man
that was never God's plan.

Misjudging your beauty
allowing men to affirm your identity
smaller women to confirm your inadequacy
you construct a prison called insecurity
hiding your bruises and scrapes
allowing rejection to have her perfect way
ever hearing God say you are beautifully
and wonderfully made
but never believing, never receiving
what He said.

See, I know very well your pain
all about the inner strain
that seems to bind you,
seems to blind you...
listening to the lies the enemy tells you
being called everything but your name
thinking that they are one in the same.

But, I've come to show you the way out
realize you were created for a purpose
with a purpose
and on purpose
you are not a mistake.

So what if you have a 2 in front of your size
instead of a 1
you are simply double the prize
for some lucky woman's son
second to none.

Live life happy and free
passionately
becoming the jewel that you
are destined to be.
For you a woman, beautifully
a beautiful woman
you are to me.

Thanks Tiffany for pushing me to do things that are seemingly "not me" but somehow "are"....
Con amor siempre.

Ha Ha Death

2006-11-21T13:32:00.000-08:00

Eyes reddened by sadness
but with a heart full of gladness
I rest in the peace that
I will see you again
dressed in your best
standing in the face of My King
Now your King too
Ha Ha death we have cheated you
Though I feel the pain of your leaving
I rest assure that upon my arrival
we shall be once more introduced
I love you Grandpa
and I will carry your memory forever

Speech 101

2006-10-17T22:25:00.000-07:00

Be careful what you say to your children
for you know not what power your tongue has.
Speak death into your child and they will surely die
Speak lies into your child and they will surely lie
Never underestimate the little nothings you say
For it is your child that will play
those very words in their mind 100 times a day
No big deal you say, I didn't mean what I said
No big deal is what they will hear in their head
when trying to figure out why they want to be dead.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue
or at least that's what the Word said
Maybe that's why so many lay in Mental Hospital beds.
Get it together people let the Holy Spirit be your co-parent
Don't let your children grow up with unforgiving bents
that leave them in a tailspin...

Band-Aids

2006-10-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

When a child scrapes his or her knee
the parents first instinct is to apply some type of healing cream and seal it
with a Johnson and Johnson Band-Aid
In a short whileclose examination reveals a once
terrible abrasion
now healed completely with little evidence
that it even happened
My question is what happens
when the scrape is not so visible
but rather invisible
a scrape that has slashed the very fabric
that makes you who you are?
What happens when the band-aid applied
falls off
only to reveal the blood is still fresh, the cut deeper than before,
and pain made common by time.
Where are you Johnson and Johnson
your "band-aid", your "cream" didn't do it's job...
My cuts are exposed and effecting my everyday life
What do you, Johnson & Johnson, propose?
Silence, I fear, is what I hear
My band-aid was merely a locked door to a dirty closet
hiding the scrapes that seemingly define me.
Seemingly bind me...But No More
I thank God for the Man that He brought to me one who happened to be a doctor
who saw my wounds and read my history
and He healed me...not with Johnson and Johnson band-aids or Neosporin cream
but by casting out the enemy
performing spiritual surgery
on the inner me.
When I was child I spake as a child and I did
childish things, but now that I am a woman, I put away those childish things, and begin to be the woman God has called me to be.
And even though it seems sometimes that I am recovering slowly
I know at the end of this healing journey
there will be little evidence
of the scrapes that tried to kill me.

Table for One

2006-06-24T10:25:00.000-07:00

As a leader, one can feel so alone
seemingly surrounded by multitudes but in actually
left sitting alone at the dinner table. Is something wrong, No.
It's just that what God wants to do through me
he can't have everyone else speaking at the same time.
There are some things I don't need to hear right now. I just need
to hear Him. My mentor said to me something so powerful
that I decided to share it:

I walk with many
but I walk with one
- Thanks Shawnie!

My Love

2006-05-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

I wait for you my love
I long to hear your voice
I wait for you my love
I have no other choice

I dream of you often my love
I try my hardest not to wake
Please come soon my love
How much more shall I take

They told me you were coming my love
Did they lie to me again
Tell me the honest truth my love
When will the waiting end

I long for you to hold me my love
The loneliness is hard to bear
I need you here with me my love
My love for you I must share

Noise

2006-02-27T21:16:00.000-08:00

For years we have been taught that the real meat of the song is the words. "It's not how it sounds, but what they are saying," they would say. I beg to differ. Forget about the words. Listen to the music. Music is like flowing water that moves you from place to place. The words are mere noise, pages of someone else's book. "Shh", I say, "I am trying to write my own story." Suddenly, the music begins to talk to me, telling me of my pain, going deeper and deeper with no remorse - Therapy for lack of a better word.

Poision

2006-02-27T10:20:00.000-08:00

Low Self-Esteem is like poison
that's eats away at the lining of your self-concept
soon all that is left is a tattered self-image fit for nothing
Then the question becomes, "How can I love another if I can't love me?"
and just like that, even possibilities
become fading fantasies.

- ashe

Mr. Possibilty

2006-02-27T10:07:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted anything in a while. My apologies to you all. Life just gets so busy sometimes. I need to really practice coming up for air more often. My mind has been writing constantly, but my pen hasn't caught up just yet, but hopefully that will change. Right now I feel like I am sitting down at a piano, getting ready to play the song of my thoughts. Hold on let me find my key. My first key is...

"Mr. Possibility"

It's been a while since a beau has caught my eye
and actually think about the possibilty of a
You and I.
I met you on a Tuesday not knowing
that by the next, next Thursday
I'd be inwardly smiling
Don't get your hopes up Mr. Possiblity
All we've said is Hello
but maybe, just maybe
there will be more

"My Conductor"

2005-10-05T14:48:00.000-07:00

Notes to be played, sounds to be made
The faceless conductor conducts the composition of my life.
Every drum, every string,
Every horn, even the triangle’s ring
He plays them altogether perfectly.

This composition is perfect in itself
Because He’s perfect all by himself
And He knows how everything else
Should line up on the bass and treble clef.

He knows when to cue in an A sharp
When to silence a B flat
When the drums should roll indefinitely
And when the horns should take a rest.

This composition is my life
Each instrument representing
A person, place, or thing
Playing
A role that is much bigger than perceived.
Understanding that it is the conductor
That decides which instrument
Should lead.

He knows the exact harmony the composition
Is going to portray
And at any given staff
Some instruments will not even get to play.

The composition is too important
For it has been fearfully and wonderfully made.
My only choice is to let the Conductor conduct
Instead of relying on luck not promised.

My standing ovation is for You My Conductor.

-Ashe
8/11/05

My Nail

2005-10-05T14:44:00.000-07:00

My Nail

I carry my nail in right hand
Reminding me of He who died for me
39 lashes cutting his flesh
all so I could receive His best
Nails in His hands and his feet
all so defeat would be a word I couldn’t speak
a crown of thorns on his head
laid on a splintered cross instead of a hospital bed
His bloodshed…
How can anyone have a problem doing what He said?

I carry my nail in right hand
Symbolizing my trip to Calvary
Constantly reminding me
of the price He paid
for the mistakes I made,
the many times I disobeyed,
trying to bury my sin
which He already forgave.

I carry my nail in my right hand
Symbolizing the new me
Free to carry out His commands
Free to say Yes I’ll go
Free to join His army
Free to give up my God-given No.

I hold my nail in my right hand
Because I now have no choice
He has freed me for His service
And I clearly hear His voice
He says Go get My people
Go forth in My name
The Kingdom of God is hand
Time out for the religious game.